I will not hide that I had hoped that I would receive a significant number of comments similar to
(i) Why would you be on a diet?
(ii) You look great!
(iii) I wish I looked like you.
Or alike. I am saddened to report that I got none. (FN1)
Rather, I got plenty of comments encouraging me to stick with my diet plan. It alarms me that my friends have no mercy, and instead of reassuring me of their unconditional love and devotion, they cheer my downsizing efforts. Instead of their affection I get exercise tips and suggestions regarding the ideal portion size. No wonder I turned to food.
I allow that some of them may have good intentions (although, we know the final destination of the road those intentions pave!). My favorite female red head veterinarian, Valery, suggested that “[b]asically, eat right and exercise. You don't have to eat non-deliciously, you just have to control portion size so that you're only eating as many calories as you need.” But how many calories do I need? (FN2)
Determined that this lack of unconditional love and understanding will not deter me from regaining my super-slim figure (followed by de-friending all these non-loving and non-understanding friends I accumulated over years), I rushed to the gym this morning and completed 30 minutes of that terrible stair master machine where one actually climbs the real stairs, escalator type, followed by an hour of weight lifting (this time with Humberto).
All that exercise of course made me very, very hungry.
When I arrived to my office, hungry and all, and while reviewing the worldwide news, I came across a story about Jason Dinant’s and his quest for six-peck. This copy cat, will you believe it, eats 16 egg(whites) a day! 16! I hate to think of implications for the sex life of hens across this great country if more Americans (or legal aliens, as in my case) were to adopt this diet. I was not given taste buds to eat 16 egg whites a day! Not to mention that all those egg whites can (and will!) cause some serious bloating problems and some deadly winds. (FN3)
The diet, I find, ought to be realistic. Something one can do without constantly feeling that all the pleasures of this world must be sacrificed for a promise of a smaller mid section. Therefore, I decided to
(i) keep exercising
(ii) keep eating
(iii) keep eating everything I like to eat
(iv) but perhaps not all of it
After all, Paul and I are off to Nougatine again this Monday to celebrate the first thee weeks of my diet, and then there’s Bill’s birthday dinner at Blue Hill at Stone Barns. You diet there if you’d like.
FN1: Okay, so I got one. I considered “I got one”, but “I got none” sounded way more dramatic.
FN2: This is a rhetoric question.
FN3: Ok, so he does eat brown rice as well, and sweet potatoes (which I find delicious myself), chicken, even broccoli with gas-creating properties similar to egg whites, but arguably of lesser potency.